


the way ong seongwoo would

by xinmood



Category: Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Oneshot, Ong Seongwoo-centric, Songfic, idolverse, lowkey ongniel, mentions of Kang Daniel, non-au, seongwoo just going through it man
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-21
Updated: 2018-06-21
Packaged: 2019-05-26 13:09:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15001568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xinmood/pseuds/xinmood
Summary: Seongwoo knows the cold better than anyone else.ong-centric.





	the way ong seongwoo would

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by DAY6's All Alone. 
> 
> i wanted to explore ong's behaviours and emotions but this isn't in any way to assume how he acts or why he acts the way he does (DOES THAT MAKE SENSE... wut am i sayin lmao) it's just a mess i wrote at 3am a few months ago, a work of fiction :) with that said, i hope you enjoy.
> 
> slight warnings for implied self-destructive behaviour in the way he thinks, but nothing major. just a little detail.

 

_All alone_

_Under the moonlight, and so I am_

_All alone_

_Only the cold night air is with me_

 

The wind was colder that night, he’d thought, but he didn’t bother warming up - he welcomed it, in fact. A soft sigh escaped his lips, his breath a soft puff of frost in the chilly air. He lay on his balcony unmoving for a long while, seemingly immune to the harsh bite of winter. To everyone else, this was uncharacteristic of Ong Seongwoo. But he knew himself best - this was, unfortunately, a daily occurrence for the man.

 

It had come to a point where his fingers were _almost_ turning blue - and every night, he retreated into the warmth of his apartment before he got frostbitten for good. He didn’t really know why he did this to himself. Why he subjected himself to circumstances he couldn’t - or didn’t want to - control. He wasn’t one to wallow for too long, wasn’t one to enjoy winter, even. Spring was his favourite season, where the weather turns a little less chilly, when life blooms again, and when he felt a little less… lonely.

 

Where the root of all his problems lay, he turned it away as he always did. He headed back inside the moment he started losing feeling in his fingers - right before he could let himself delve deeper into the confusing mess of emotions whirring within him. He couldn’t face them yet. Not then, maybe never, really. And he was fine with that.

 

The next day he would wake and he would find his balance again. He would make his way to his company, face his colleagues with a smile on his face. The way everyone expected him to, and the way Ong Seongwoo always would.

 

_I wish there was someone_

_Who'd hug me saying that I worked hard_

_When I get back home_

 

“To our Seongwoo’s success!” a colleague of his slurred, soju nearly tipping over as he raised his glass in haste. A chorus of _to Ong Seongwoos_ resounded in the little bar they were currently residing in, ringing in the former’s ears.

 

Seongwoo winced but grinned regardless, his smile genuine as he raised his glass and downed his share. He welcomed the slight burn in his throat, a quiet hiss escaping his lips. His acquaintances patted him on the back and he laughed, revelling in the atmosphere as much as he could.

 

It was certainly a special occasion - he remembered the mild surprise on his superiors’ faces when he announced his interest in debuting as an idol through Produce 101. There was a lot of hesitation on their part, considering he was an actor trainee. But he was Ong Seongwoo, and they realised that there was nothing much that he _couldn’t_ do.

 

Seongwoo’s hands froze for a moment, remembering the glaring look he received from one of his higher-ups. A look that said _you’d better know what you’re doing -_ and as soon as he’d remembered it, he shut his eyes tight, wanting to dispel the memory from his mind. That night was a night to be celebrated, a night before the path to his dreams would come to play. He wouldn’t let anything get in the way of his good mood. And besides, the people needed entertaining. Who was he to dampen the mood?

 

He had to be the Ong Seongwoo that everyone knew and loved. And with that he tossed his myriad of emotions aside and worked on bringing up the atmosphere. As usual, he had them clutching their sides in laughter, shaking their heads and wiping stray tears of amusement from their eyes, while he smiled on at the scene, a void sort of happiness settling on his heart.

 

And he was fine with that. It was the way he had always lived, and the way Ong Seongwoo always would.

 

_I'm not lonely_

_Is what I say to the night sky?_

_How was today?_

_Feels like it's asking me back_

 

This was starting to get pathetic, he’d thought.

 

Oftentimes, during his nightly balcony sessions, he’d catch himself speaking aloud to no one in particular. Perhaps it was the compelling serenity of the moon and the stars that beckoned him to voice his thoughts. _Or perhaps I’m just_ that _goddamned crazy._

 

This time, though, he wasn’t on his balcony. It was a few minutes of peace and quiet he could get each time after Produce 101’s filming ended for the day, and he didn’t know if he savoured the lone feeling or detested it.

 

When the sun was up Seongwoo was never left alone. The laughter and idle chatter echoed in his mind and he let out a low, tired chuckle at the sight of the night sky twinkling brightly down at him.

 

It was only a few weeks into the competition and Seongwoo had already settled in well, maintaining and growing rapport with the other boys. There was this pink-haired boy from MMO, he remembered, and this 15 year old boy he had quickly grown fond of. The faces popped up in his head as his mind worked to match everyone’s faces to their names.

 

His thoughts led him to the rather burning question of _why he had decided to join the show_ \- perhaps it was something more than just pursuing his dream, something deeper and more in tune with his state of mind. Was it because he felt he needed to find himself again? His true passion? To prove his worth? Or perhaps he wanted to quell his feelings, throw himself into a survival show to distract himself, to prevent himself from facing the truth of the matter - that he always found himself, dare he say it, _lonely._

 

 _Or maybe I really am just_ that _fucking bored._

 

“Seongwoo,”

 

The boy in question jumped at the sudden voice, jolting him from venturing too far yet again. And he was inwardly grateful for the interruption, truly. He turned his head to see the pink-haired trainee waving him over.

 

 _Kang Daniel,_ the name rang in his mind as he waved back, getting off the concrete floor. His fingers twitched, and it took a while before he gained back the feeling in his limbs. Distantly, he glanced at his hands. _Dangerous, Seongwoo. You need to be careful,_ but he dismissed the thought as soon as he’d voiced it. The cheery tone in his voice returned, as if it'd never left.

 

“Wait for me."

 

_The one I am looking for_

_Would be looking at the same night sky?_

 

“We did it!”

 

Seongwoo collapsed on the practice room floor, making a show of his exhaustion as his _Get Ugly_ group members mimicked him. Quiet laughter followed the boys, as they lay down in the daze that befell them - they finally, _finally_ completed their task of completing the choreography. For a moment, the boys were quiet, eyes unseeing but filled with pure relief; no worries, no concerns in mind. Seongwoo noticed the boys closing their eyes and he allowed his lips to curl into a soft smile - a break finally came for them. One truly well-deserved and well-timed.

 

He couldn’t say he enjoyed a break, because it allowed his mind to wander to places he would rather not explore. An untouched river of thoughts that he hadn’t had the luxury of tapping into for the past month. The river rippled, bubbled, and Seongwoo clenched his eyes shut. He let out a breath and then shot up, clapping his hands together.

 

“You’ve all worked hard,” he proclaimed, voice cheery and enthusiastic. He met eyes with Samuel who lay on the ground trying to catch his breath. The latter grinned at him, a tired sort of happiness adorning his features, and Seongwoo returned it with a grin. He surveyed his teammates, seeing them completely burned out but with honest smiles on their faces, and he felt his smile grow even wider.

 

 _For now,_ he mused, _this is enough._

 

Daniel sat up, ruffling his hair and leaning into a stretch. Seongwoo glanced at him and the latter held his gaze, laughing lightly in relief. His leader, who had went through so much burden and who’d felt lost in the mountain of responsibilities that lay on him, bore a tired grin that seemed to make the man glow even more in his eyes.

 

“Thank you, guys,” Daniel breathed, directing his gaze towards each member. And then his eyes met Seongwoo’s again, shining with warmth and gratitude. “Thank you, Seongwoo.”

 

Seongwoo felt the exhaustion in his limbs slip away at the quiet sentence. The tension in his shoulders eased and he laid back on the floor, a certain softness clouding over his features.

 

_For now, this is enough._

_This is enough, and I am well._

 

\--

 

_I'm lonely_

_to be honest_

 

Standing in front of the crowd, Seongwoo didn’t know what to think. When BoA announced his name for 5th place in the finale, the chaos in his mind quietened, allowing for an immense feeling of relief to take its place as he drew in a deep breath. One that renewed him, that seemingly woke him from a distant reverie. One that brought him back to reality as the cheers from the arena greeted him, and allowed his eyes to focus again.

 

His hands quivered, his eyes teared and yet he couldn’t dissect the emotion that filled him that very moment. An intense feeling of something not quite solace, nor was it chaos - it was something in-between. His heart pounded loudly in his chest as he brought the mic to his lips, fingers gripping it like a lifeline. And perhaps it really was.

 

“I said I wanted to receive a lot of love from people,” he began, his voice wavering. “And to be acknowledged by others as someone with many charms and skills.”

 

Seongwoo paused, bouncing on the balls of his feet, and then he continued.

 

“I’m very happy now… because it seems like I’ve been acknowledged,” the words rushed out of him as he drummed his fingers in an effort to dispel his nerves. “From this moment on, I’ll continue to work hard, thank you.”

 

An ear-splitting grin adorned his lips as he soaked himself in the feeling. He heard his fans, actual living people, cheering for him. He saw his friends on the stage in the distance, clapping for him, smiling for him. The feeling enveloped him with such warmth and intensity that for a long while, he found it hard to breathe. It was raw... it was intense, as was it ridiculous. And suddenly the river was calmer than before, as if a cloud of serenity had lay upon it - a certain kind of quiet chaos, if you will.

 

 _A walking contradiction is what I am,_ he mused as he finished his speech. He couldn’t really remember what he said. He barely registered his feet moving, taking him up the steps of the pyramid that he had his back to just minutes ago. Time passed in a blur of _congratulations, you’ve worked hard_ s, and _i’m happy for you_ s. And soon enough he was in the seat marked 5, face buried in his shaky hands, the adrenaline dying down and finally giving way to the rush of emotions that he hadn’t allowed himself to feel for a long while.

 

 _I’m happy,_ he laughed, the taste of salt on his lips.

 

_God, I’m so fucking happy._

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> im not sure if i should write a little more because i think i could go a lil further, let me know if you'd like a follow-up to this :')
> 
> thank you for reading lovelies!! ; w ;
> 
> side note yall dont know how hard i had to resist the temptation of naming this fic 'the way ong seongwould' istg


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